Not everything is a puzzle. A sweeping tide and a bad wind sometimes are just that. In many ways, it is fitting that my life has had twists and turns. Sometimes it’s as though I was tricked into existence by the same creator of man and woman. I often wonder if it’s me He decided to burden with issues and problems galore. There are these questions there are these doubts.
Don’t buy the lie that it’s as good as it gets and never drink to such oblivion. Life is, in itself highly complex: danger, mysteries, coincidences, signs that are not clear and words that are withheld. What use is there for solving questions you have the answers? There is no fun. We will always try to understand the complexity of life. Even so, we should understand that sometimes when an elephant shit in the bush, its just shit. It doesn’t mean anything. It’s wise that we should find our balance by understanding what we face but, its as important that we know not to dig out meaning in everything.
Everyone wants to believe in something. Mine has always been the belief that everything has a meaning. And I have wrought a fair degree of havoc in the way I lead my life, in the name of looking for clues and answers. I close myself off to people, deny myself things that might bring me pleasure. Not because it makes me a better person, but because I try to deduce so much. Not once and not twice, have I thought that perhaps, what I see or hear or feel is an indication that I should cave in. Honestly, I have tried except that there has never been such thing as perfect execution of my plans. I have never put anything of decency somehow.
On the natural, the truth is always avoided because it’s ugly and distasteful. I have spent time trying to understand an awful lot about life, and yet I still have no fucking idea what I have been really looking. It’s okay to lie to yourself sometime. But I have realised that I don’t have to keep lying to myself all the time. I remember those moments I can sit and feel as though the strings attaching me to my life are being cut. And as they break one after another, there is always that encouraging voice advising me not to fight. There is always that stubbornness in my heart to give in. I never thought it would change. Now I do understand the push to give up is a resultance of trying to grasp all that happens in this life. The more I dig, the less I get the hang of whatever exists and the more I fail to focus. In respect to that chain of events, it’s not wrong to add, the less I see a reason keep going.
It should surprise me that my perspective on many things has changed. I should be ashamed that I didn’t see or think much earlier, or that many things escaped me while trying to revise the simple details in life that had little meaning or no meaning at all. And that I should have done better before. But I’m neither surprised nor ashamed of what I should or what I did not. It’s not what I think anymore I guess. It’s what I now believe in. I believe my reality has grown bigger and bigger. I believe in myself even when there are striking indication I should not.
I also do believe that I have two reasons to keep living. The principal is that I was created; the secondary to never stop living until my existential extent has been terminated by the maker of heaven and the earth. There may be third or just many reasons, at least I’m pleased I’m still ready to explore on such fronts.
Don’t ever believe that you deserve low. I’ve heard it said time is everything. It doesn’t matter where you are, or who you are. It may be tough, it may be hurting. And maybe you are just looking for a lesson to be learning. Possibly a ray of hope. Don’t fret. Trying to read so much from life, doesn’t make it better. Life is a formless lump like cold tea leaves from which goodness and badness and even the last tang of bitterness have been stewed out. And sometimes everything is just black and white. A bad break is just a bad break. Never, never forget whoever made you, created a better person and it’s just time.
Every now and then it may seem as though all your high rise dreams are unrealistic. You can’t help but ask questions. And that everything is a puzzle after all. And learning to see the puzzle in everything is okay. Just remember, they’re everywhere once you start looking, it’s impossible to stop. It just so happens, getting answers can be as bad as looking. Don’t give up though if you find some bad, for the road, is more exciting than you think to embrace. It’s not as difficult as it may appear, ease yourself of the unwanted weight. Everything sucks anyway, well somewhat.
I have not been that close to the only book, The Bible. I understand though, that somewhere it reads. Meaningless! Meaningless! Utterly meaningless! And that the sun rises and the sun sets and hurries back to where it rises. The wind blows to the south and turns to the north; round it goes, ever returning on its course. All the streams flow into the sea, yet the sea is never full. To the place, the stream comes from, there they return again. I used to be angry till I realised its meaningless. Basically, everything I feel, touch, hear or smell is meaningless. I don’t know but I think giving up is meaningless.