Something presumably useful, wise filled with resonance and overly helpful, encouraging and optimistic launched inside of me. “If you are two inches away, it will: no no there.” One would think one or two steps sideways is the same but it is however not the case. It is not the same. Combine a solid plan with great commitment and boom! You have an explosion of success. And everything else is pretty much inconsequential. I was fascinated by how things work. I was voluble and intense and with a courtly rhetorical style. Sadly my friend had little idea. I looked ignorant but viewed things with careful analysis and instinct. He erred big time and I was counting on him regretting every bit of it. I dissected his perspective, teared through the heart of his argument and there was no stopping. The culvinistic guilt at the idea that he was the proximate cause of his discomfort was surely going to be his. Self-inkling, spell-checking and smart answers, I was belching varieties. He could have explored fair avenues, but he chose a weather beaten path. He believed himself, full of wisdom. I thought him an instrument of madness and a monopoly of stupidity. Sundry, he was in stitches and he was painstakingly enduring the stay. Obviously he was exorbitantly brooding over my budding genius. And in my rollicking state I was giving no fig to the besotted fith he was. I knew he was feeling a spiral of bitterness and revenge but I was firmly in control. I walked the steps, stated my perspective candidly. With an elaborate background and understanding of the collosal benefits of what I was doing. Indeed I did not just push his sense aside, I completely obliterated him from the face of any consideration.
Our respective perceptions may be different, and mostly we profess contrary ideological fronts. It got its name, we always agree and mostly disagree. Supporting me as I stride along is definitely a remarkable thing. Supposedly that’s not the case, shaking me off my grip, and from my walks is not appropriate either. You can chime in to my conversation. You can hijack my conversation, I have absolutely no problem with that. You may say something quickly and in an uncontrollable way :unexpected . You can say anything triumphantly as though to prove a complicated point beyond all possible dispute, but when someone is quiet, never drag them into talking believing they have nothing to say. We can have reason and disagreement mix admirably. Never bring disdain and spite in any conversation. We can have aspirations, but let’s be conscious not to bring disrespect in such. If we have to disagree, let it be digital disagreement and not analog. By digital I mean, we can make circles without eyebrows being raised. For when you got something, you got it. As to my understanding of the modern world, telling someone the disgusting little squid they are. The filthy little blood traitor they may be, has no relevance. Shaking one’s head like an elephant bothered by mosquitoes is close, better yet there’s just the part you keep quiet. I believe disagreement is when we trade intellectual skills and ideas and not insults. I believe it’s when someone does the inevitable to satisfy the doubts I have on certain aspects one might be holding. It’s never about do or die. It’s always about understanding the difference.
I have since come to realise that sometimes, the pleasantness of some people is dependent on their being unrepentant spore. What a disaster. Perhaps they have disregard that being such is much a qualification, as to be a midget. When Reks invited me to his birthday, I had an ugly mix of reactions. I said curtly that I would think about it. Our relationship had been circumspect for months. We were a little wary of each, and perhaps, a little distrusting. I felt somewhat, his invitation was rather disturbing. I was trading scatalogical grounds nonetheless. There was only one thing I could do. I had every reason to initiate a thaw into our relationship somehow. He believed that he was the only voice of reason. There was a rumour in the lines of my emerging and he was keen to bring that down . Yet I was a nobody, at least I thought so . I was a junior enrolled in a course on legal and criminal justice. I had soon realised that I had become a target for a strong and unrelenting individual. But what was I? Besides I never anticipated that, I was less of age to be where I was and worse still socially awkward. And how could that have been possibly possible. Anyway whatever it was, I needed to fix it. From a distance, I could hear sounds and loud, laughing voices. I hated noise, it bugged the shit out of me. And it’s worse when someone says “It’s just having fun,”I seriously don’t think they get it. As I drew nearer, I felt like I was being pushed over a cliff. I had tested my enthusiasm for parties but I surely didn’t like it. I wasn’t timid though and I had a purpose. I was on a reconciliatory path. I was an inch closer to making a truce and, raising a white flag. And yet I did not have a clue how I found myself in such a horrible situation. When the glasses were raised in my name, I thought wow! But I sensed the ephemerality of the gesture. You know that feeling when you wake from a dream and you are relieved to realise that it was just a dream. After that night I kept waiting. I gambled that was a bluff, I gambled and he won. That morning when I woke up, I felt as though, I was tied to my bed. So I hugged myself and lay still. For a moment I wished the sun had risen in my room. I wanted to feel hot, so hot that it would burn the pain I was feeling. In spite of that, I had learnt, I had learnt that the best mistake one can make is to try. When you don’t try you will always live a life suffering the awful shadows of what you should have done. When you fail, you will know that you had tried. The worst you can do is to change the person you are. Perhaps it’s much comforting to know you were close. I was set up, because my structure and my ways were different. My whole being, my modus operandi was disagreeing with the same old. I was doomed for who I was. That was my disagreement with the powerful of the day. Disagreement should not be that bad should it? When it was my turn to return the favour, I was shrewd and I cut him deep and when there was blood oozing, I was cutting to the bone , I did not stop, I wanted him to bleed dry. He beat me in his world and he extended the fight to my fucking world. I knew already, he was wasted. In a world where all the wisdom of the ancient flew through me, I ripped him to shreds. He had made a mistake, he took our differences too far. He was not conscious. He wanted fame and dignity, but he overlooked the details. Kindness and simplicity. And he had stepped in the only place I could see light, the only space I felt, I belonged and for what? Reks wanted respect, to show that he had a different and better ways, but he carried with it scorn and in an unfamiliar ground . And I hovered and sparked. Just when I did not expect. When you are you, respect will surely come.
Guilt, rage or chronic depression or hopelessness of deemed hypocrisy of normal people that their perspective and view of life is distorted. Disaster never taste so good. Don’t pinch yourself, I have been there. Sometimes you feel the difference. And you see the disagreement with life. Sometimes you feel your legs are in shackles and that you ain’t moving. Maybe you feel you are being ignored and the discontent hangs over your head. You feel the eyes and the mockery, the sounds of scourn. And that the ground is slippery. You feel you are facing a misfiring executioner and you are not immune to the thought that eventually, a bullet will spatter the contents of your brain. And you can’t help but feel the very strings holding to you to your life are slowly loosening or being cut. Such is the life. Like I said we can have, disagreement and reason mix with a pomp. Don’t lose your head, I found my niche. And I felt reborn. Voices maybe hurrying you, pulling you away and you may fear existing. Don’t hurry. You will find your space. You maybe invisible, more so than a spider retracing its web. Sometimes its not about visibility. You maybe criticised for what you are, or just what you are not. Those are the moments you will struggle, the times you will hit rock bottom. And while you struggle, being down there can be a great foundation on which to build. For sometimes wisdom comes through unexpected sources, mostly when you are dead beaten. Living is understanding the difference, agreeing to disagree with life. You don’t have to hold the same opinion as life, life can be unfair and that should not be your opinion. See the other side and take your chances. Find your passion. Never hide within the confines of similarities, explore the difference . When opportunity presents, collaborate and conspire tactically to defeat that which is an impediment. Regardless of race, language or ethnic background, the flair is strictly within your reach. It’s not restricted to certain cliques. It might be distant somewhat but, be sure you can find it. And there is no better person than you. Be kind to yourself and to others. However have due regards to other people’s feelings or beliefs and rights.
I had stumbled upon my real self when I least expected. The significant changes were immense. I understood the levels of my ability and the standards. The relationship between what I could not do and what I could. I was daring. Never had I been daring. Interest ignited and there was that positive thinking. There was that craving I wanted to satisfy, again and again to never ending. To myself, I was enjoying being the real me. When Reks stood against me, he didn’t know what he was facing. He was was still the person he had created. Find yourself and stand. No matter the tides just stand. Never give up. And when you have to disagree with life and the world keep it yourself. You maybe as charismatic as an iceberg, but that’s who you are. When life drags you into the conversation of disproval, stand your ground and with a spirited motion, show life that you prefer being silent but you have what it takes to say something.